


Jerktale 1: The Founding

by O Hakubi (Koah)



Series: The Saga of the Circle of Jerks [1]
Category: City of Heroes
Genre: Better Get Some Ointment For That Sick Burn CoH Fanfiction Community, Comedy, Don't Have to Know Canon, Gen, Most People Who Wrote Fic For This Game Didn't Know Canon Either, Original Character(s), Someone Else's Character(s), Superheroes, yeah you heard me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-20
Updated: 2007-10-20
Packaged: 2017-11-29 17:58:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/689825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koah/pseuds/O%20Hakubi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The completely true and not at all embellished or fabricated story of the founding of the Circle of Jerks, a rag-tag bunch of comic misfits or Virtue server's biggest bunch of griefers, depending on who you ask.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jerktale 1: The Founding

"Hey, Mickey?"

"What is it, Vinnie?" Mickey deadpanned, his eyes not wavering from the elevator floor lights.

"Well, I've been thinkin', right?"

"Mistake numbah one."

"Yeah, well... I've been thinkin' that maybe we're goin' about this the wrong way."

"Wrong way? _What_ wrong way? We go in, apply a little pressure, shake 'em up a little... same as we always do."

"Yeah, well..." Vinnie scratched the back of his neck. "I dunno, this time it feels different."

"You're paranoid," Mickey said, adjusting his fedora for maximum jauntiness as the elevator doors slid open. "It's not..."

He stopped, staring in awe at the room before him which was, to wit, massive: It would have looked more at home housing a stadium than an office. The floor was covered with a map of the Earth composed of inlaid black and white marble, and a wide window covered with thick metal shutters took up the back third of the room. Seated in the center of the room behind an enormous ebony desk was a surly, burly and equally enormous man in a three-piece black suit, writing something on a pad of paper.

"I told ya so, Mickey."

"Shut up and follow my lead." Quickly recovering his composure, Mickey sauntered forward. "Well, if it isn't..." He squinted at the name plaque on the desk. "Mistah CEO of Earth. My, my..." He glanced about the room. "Nice operation ya got here."

The CEO looked up from his notes and glared at the two trespassers. "Who let you in?"

"Yeah, real fancy," Vinnie added, ignoring his question. "Musta taken you a while to get this all set up."

"Four and a half billion years."

The thugs hesitated slightly before continuing towards his desk. "Yeah, sure... sounds like it took a lot of effort t'do. It would be a shame if somethin' happened to it," Mickey said, putting an arm out to lean on his desk and accidentally on purpose nudging a coffee mug to the floor. "Accidents happen, y'know."

"You two from Paragon City?"

"Yeah," Mickey grinned, straightening up and adjusting his jacket. "We're gonna run that town someday."

Saying nothing, the CEO pressed a button on his desk. With a soft hum the shutters slid apart revealing a panoramic view of Earth, it's blue and white curve providing a stark contrast to the endless darkness surrounding it.

"Geez, Mickey," Vinnie whispered, "how long was that elevator ride?"

"Do you see that?" he asked, jerking a thumb over his shoulder. "I run that. All the super-dimensional accounting, all the meetings with pan-galactic investment consortiums... all that goes through me. Now you," he continued, pointing a finger at Mickey, "are two thugs in a massively inept criminal hierarchy that can't even take control of a single city borough, and you think that you can show up in my office trying to pull some penny-ante racketeering scam on me and succeed?"

The aforementioned thugs exchanged worried expressions before nodding in what was possibly the least confident expression ever witnessed. "Yeah... yeah, we do."

The CEO nodded. "I see." Standing up, he clamped a massive fist around the edge of his desk and raised it above his head, holding it there just long enough for the two thugs to succumb to an overwhelming sense of doom before bringing it down on both of them with a thunderous crash. He stood there for a moment observing his handiwork before reaching down and picking up the intercom. "Miss Alison."

"Yes, sir."

"I'm going to need another desk. Mahogany, preferably."

"I'll have one sent up by the end of the day."

"Thank you. Ah, and one more thing."

"Sir?"

"Hold all my calls; I'm heading down to Earth to hit criminals with rocks."

* * *

"Sir, can you hear me?"

The figure on the hospital bed stirred slightly before sitting up. He looked over his body, now encased in futuristic banded metal armor, before turning towards the doctor.

"You're at Paragon City Medical Center. You were in an accident, sir; do you remember what happened?"

The crimson-clad man nodded. "I think so. I was on the floor of the Paragon City Stock Exchange trying to sell two hundred shares of SemanTech when there was this big explosion from one of the tickers nearby, and-"

The doctor held up his hand. "Hold on. You're a stock broker?"

"Yup."

"Not a crime-fighting stock broker?"

"Nope."

"Just a normal, non-vigilante stock broker."

"Yup."

"Well, the implants and armor were given to you because we thought you were a hero who, in the face of overwhelming odds, was defeated only to be saved through the wonders of modern science."

"You do that?"

"We're required by city mandate to perform at least one superpower-enabling operation a day, actually."

"Oh." After a moment's thought he asked, "so do I have to give them back?"

"That would require a very painful operation."

"Oh." He blinked, not that the doctor could see it underneath the helmet. "Well, maybe I could... I dunno, um... pay you back?"

"The armor and cybernetic enhancements cost approximately seven million dollars."

"...with a loan?"

"...and were funded by the city government," he said testily. "So you'd have to pay _them_ back."

"Oh." The man went silent for a minute before speaking again. "Public service?"

"Yes, you could serve the public. By...?"

"...picking up garbage?"

By now the doctor was beginning to lose his temper. "No, not- ...if you have an operation that gives you superpowers, in a city full of super-powered criminals, you..." He gesticulated, hoping that the man would catch on.

"...fight crime?"

The doctor rubbed his eyes. "Yes. Yes, you do."

"Okay!" he shouted. He leapt out of bed and powerposed, knocking over an IV rack and braining another patient. "Then from this day forth I am no mere stock broker. I shall be known as... THE POWERED BROKER!!"

"Yes, yes, drama and all that." The doctor glanced at his watch. "If it's not too much trouble, could you hurry up and leave? There's a Frostfire team due in any moment."

* * *

"S00n, m4h F3ll0W Phr34k5," the Freakshow tank proclaimed to a mass of his followers, shaking a bladed arm, "w3 w1Ll h4v3 0uR r3V3nG3 0n tH0s3 Th4t h45 4B4nD0n3d 0ur l33t w4yZ 4 t3h d3C4d3nC3 0f t3h c0n5Um3r cUltUr3! 4 tru3 Phr34k w0uld n3v4r c4v3 2 t3h d3m4ndz 0f c0rp0r4t3 4m3r1k4!" He stood up from his throne of scrap metal and discarded home appliances. "Th3 r31gn 0f t3h l4m3rz 3nd5 n0w! L0L0MGWTFBBQ!!"

"Ah, here we are," Sir Hammerfist intoned, watching the speech unfold from a distance. "We believe that we have found their gang leader."

"Okay," Raijin Breaker said, crouching with his two associates behind a stack of crates. "All we need to do is take out the Superfreak-"

"S00p4HpHr34K," Mistress Mire corrected him.

"Whatever. All we need to do is stop him and we can stop this gang war from tearing apart Brickstown. Hammerfist, I want you to draw their fire."

"It shall be done."

"Mistress, once Hammerfist has their attention, you can pin them down."

"Of course."

"After that Broker and I can- ...wait a second, where's Powered Broker?"

Suddenly a red blur blew past them, vaulting the stack of crates. "Dibs on the big metal guy!" Broker shouted, delivering a brutal flying kick to the jaw of the tank with enough force to send them both crashing into another half-dozen gang members, the lot of which tumbled into a nearby room. Needless to say, this show of force alerted the rest of the Freaks to his presence, to say nothing of his teammates.

"Broker, wait until everyone's-" Raijin Breaker would have finished that sentence had two dozen cybernetically-enhanced doped-up gang members not descended on him and the others in a particularly brutal manner. Thirty seconds of running and screaming later the three heroes found themselves taking a quick trip to the chopped and beaten ward of the local hospital.

Dusting off the hammers that currently took the place of his hands, one Freak said to the rest, "man, that was fun. No planning, no leaders or nothin'... just total chaos." The others nodded amid various words and grunts of assent.

"...hey, wasn't there another guy?" one asked. His answer came in the form of the tank's screaming upper torso flying past and bouncing down a nearby hallway with a series of dull metallic thuds. This was followed by the tank's lower torso, which landed in the center of the Freaks and promptly (not to mention rather inexplicably) exploded.

Shortly following the detonation and decimation of the remaining Freakshow forces Powered Broker strolled back into the the room. "Hey guys, I got him." Not finding his teammates where he left them, he glanced about furtively. "...guys? Where'd you go?"

* * *

The mustachioed, tank top-clad man stood atop the overpass, with hordes of impassioned torch-bearing and sign-waving people below him. Sliding his sunglasses onto his face, he raised an arm to call for silence. "My fellow Luddites," he shouted. "These perversions cannot continue any longer! We have stood idly by and watched as our businesses, our very livelihoods were taken away from us by this so-called 'march of progress!' I say that we stand idle NO MORE!"

He waited for the cheering to die down, then continued. "Down this road is the last operating factory of the King Garment Works, and in it the vile machinery that has replaced human flesh and blood. I say we go down there, break down the door and destroy EVERY LAST COG, GEAR AND SCREW IN THERE!!" He took a dramatic leap to the street below him, drew his sword and raised it to the heavens. "WHO'S WITH ME?!"

The cry from the masses below him was deafening as thousands of people turned and advanced down the highway to the factory, their charismatic leader heading the march. However, in what was later voted Most Ironic News Story of the Year by the Paragon Times, en route the man was struck by a passing truck full of looms.

* * *

From the other side of the partition separating the operating room from the hallway, a graying scientist with an aloof air about him impassively watched the surgery, with a wiry young intern dividing his attention between the complicated operation and his talking mentor. "Austin Stevens, Luddite. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him."

The intern turned his head to look behind him. "Uh, Dr. Goldman, I'm the only person-"

"We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man."

"Doctor, there's been literally thousands of instances of bionic humans, to say nothing of the progress made in android tec-"

"Austin Stevens will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster..."

"Dr. Goldman!" the intern said forcefully. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Goldman turned a withering gaze on the intern, who cringed slightly. "We're saving a man's life. Thirty-five years ago I took an oath to heal the sick and wounded, and I refuse to renege on my word just because you see fit to question my experience."

"No, I mean... he's a Luddite, sir."

"So?"

"So doesn't the use of bionic implants sort of make it..." he gesticulated, searching for the right word. "...contradictory to his beliefs?"

The doctor pondered this for a moment and shrugged. "I dunno."

* * *

"Excuse me, are you _the_ Dr. Science?"

Dr. Science sighed and turned around. "Yes. Yes, I am." The woman opened her mouth to speak, but he continued to talk before she had the chance. "No, I am not Steven Sheridan, no we're not related and no, I cannot help you with your 'To Save a Thousand Worlds' arc."

"Oh. Never mind, then."

"Although I _can_ help you out of those clothes." Dr. Science gave her a rakish grin as a "nyun-nyun-nyun" sound began emanating from some location in the vicinity, indicating that hypnotic forces were at work. The "nyun-nyun-nyun" sound was cut short by a "slap" sound, indicating that physical forces were at work. Namely, the woman's hand making contact with Dr. Science's cheek at high velocity. As the woman stormed off he sighed and looked at his reflection in a nearby shop window, poking his helmet with his index finger. "Maybe something's not tuned properly..."

While he wasn't a well-known hero contact, he was fairly brilliant in his own right. At least enough so to create a psychokinetic amplifier tuned to his own brainwaves, giving him some degree of mind control. At least in theory; he was never actually able to get it to work on anyone. After all, if you can't use a mind control device to get laid, then what's the point?

As Dr. Science was pondering the point in question, one of the local Hellions came up behind him and flicked a switchblade open. "You know the drill," he growled, "wallet, keys, watch, that goofy-looking helmet..."

"Go play in traffic," he deadpanned.

"Yes sir!" the Hellion cheerfully replied, leaping headfirst into the path of an oncoming car.

As the gang member hit the front of the vehicle with a dull thud, Dr. Science pondered this recent turn of events. Was this just a fluke, he wondered, or something more? He wandered about the area for a bit in search of possible subjects, eventually locating two more Hellions in a back alley. "You two, punch each other in the face," he commanded. To his chagrin they immediately began fighting.

"Maybe I've been going about this the wrong way," he opined, wincing slightly as the shorter of the two gang members kneed the taller in the groin. Before this he had always tried using his psi-amp helmet to pick up women to no avail, leading him to the conclusion that it was possibly faulty. However, after the recent discovery that it was in fact functional and did in fact work quite well on certain subjects, a new plan formed in his mind: He would use his incredible invention to protect the citizens of Paragon City from harm, becoming a hero and earning the respect and adoration of the people.

_Then_ he would try to pick up women. Chicks dig celebrities.

* * *

I never knew the old Paragon City before the Rikti war with its dance parties, its glamour and easy charm. Metropolis suited me better. I really got to know it in the classic period of the golden age. We'd go after any mook if people wanted it enough and had the money to pay. Of course a situation like that does tempt amateurs but, well, you know they can't stay the course like a professional.

Now the city's divided into about a dozen zones, you know, each occupied by one cape group or another: The Freedom Phalanx, the Vindicators, Wyvern, Longbow and whatnot. But the entire city's policed by all of these groups. Dozens of members for each borough. Wonderful! What a hope they had! All with their own ideas on "good" and "evil" that none of them could agree on. Except a sort of smattering of typical four-color morality. Good fellows on the whole, did their best you know. Paragon doesn't really look any worse than a lot of other supervillain-infested cities. Bombed about a bit.

I didn't introduce myself yet, did I? The name's Time Capsule. I've been keeping tabs on this city for a while, doing the dirty jobs the fancy capes don't want to handle. There's a lot of business in that; more than you'd think. I had just finished a job where some rich dame was kidnapped by some low-lifes and her old man wanted her back pronto. What the guy didn't tell me was that the low-lifes were a bunch of fire-slinging thugs who wanted to use the girl in some crazy sacrifice. I got her back, though; wasn't too fond of the old man, but I couldn't leave a helpless dame in distress.

Leaning back in my office chair I pondered finishing off the half bottle of bourbon I started the night before, purchased in a fit of self-pity and drunk in what passed for celebration, the two ideas as far apart as love and hate, war and peace, black and white. I leaned forward to pick up a glass but was interrupted by the ringing of my phone, and with it the promise of another paycheck. I reached over to grab the receiver and greeted my potential client. "Time Capsule."

"HAY" the voice on the other end bellowed.

"Hey yourself," I replied. I was clearly dealing with someone not of sound mind but in my line of work, the crazies usually paid well.

"R U HEELOR"

"I'm a private eye, pal. A detective."

"R U HEELOR" he repeated.

"Yeah, sure," I said, pouring myself a short of bourbon. I didn't know jack about patching people up but I did know how to keep them safe. It comes in handy when you live your life like I do.

"WE NEED MOR EPPL" He sounded desperate.

"I'll be right there. Where are you?"

"HOLLOWS IN FF MISH BRING AWAKNES K"

"Sure, whatever you just said."

"THXSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSWWWDS"

Hanging up the phone I pulled my jacket and trusty fedora off my coat rack and made my way downstairs. I opened the front door to the building and was assaulted by a panorama of color splashed across the world, staining the landscape like vomit from a barfly that's had one too many.

"Technicolor. God, I hate Technicolor."

* * *

"As your lawyer," the sharp-dressed bespectacled young woman said, climbing the steps that rose up towards Atlas Plaza's main square, "I advise you to obtain a hero license as soon as possible. Even for a liberal-minded city such as this they still won't think twice about tying up people with endless litigation for practicing vigilantism without a license." She ducked slightly as a humanoid feline and a horned, fanged beast in plate armor leaped overhead.

"Or what passes for people," CEO said. "I'm surprised you asked to come along, LAW."

"This city tends to be very... unrestrained when it comes to lawsuits," Attorney of LAW curtly replied. "I figured the presence of another lawyer would dissuade some of them from acting against you."

"...and the gun?" he asked, looking pointedly at the heavily modified assault rifle slung across her back.

"That's to dissuade the rest of them."

"Wise move."

"I thought so."

As they reached the top of the steps CEO glanced about, observing the goings-on of the citizens, their heroes and the various gang members that bothered the former two groups. "You know, for a city that can't go a day without interdimensional shock troops invading, sky pirates trying to destroy its nuclear reactor or the mayor being kidnapped by ninjas, this part seems fairly peaceful." He turned back towards the direction he came and grimaced as he spotted a gang member in a skull mask caught in a tug-of-war with a woman over her purse. Cracking his knuckles, he raised one hand as a swirling mass of sand and pebbles materialized out of thin air, quickly forming into a round softball-sized stone. The CEO then whipped his arm forward, hurling the stone towards the thug and catching him clean across the side of the head, knocking him out cold. "Barring the occasional demon-worshiping gang or two. Shouldn't these kids be in school?"

"From what I gather there are no schools in the city."

"...this place just keeps getting better and better," he deadpanned.

* * *

"The War Walls were constructed in 2003 following the retreat of the Rikti forces." The tour guide pointed above him to the shimmering blue curtains of energy, giving the group in front of him ample time to look and take pictures before continuing. "They reach over four hundred yards high and are impenetrable to all but the most powerful of weaponry. In fact, during their development, the researchers asked Statesman himself to test their durability. Statesman agreed, stating that if he couldn't break through the walls, nothing could." Several "ooh"s and "aah"s from the crowd. The Statesman line may not have been true, per se, but at least it impressed people.

A lanky young man stepped forward. "I have a question."

"What is it?"

"You said that the walls were four hundred yards tall."

The guide nodded. "That's right. Four hundred yards, completely indestructible-"

"Yes, but has anyone ever tried going over them?"

"Over them?"

"Yeah, I mean... the Sky Raiders have ships and jetpacks, and there's a lot of mutant gang members that can fly. Couldn't they just go over the wall or something?"

"While some groups could, the fact remains that regular patrols of the areas by heroes keep any problems caused by them down to a minimum."

"You mean... those heroes?" He pointed towards a crowd of approximately fifty people lined up underneath Atlas' statue, all dressed in various costumes (though for a few females in the group the word "costume" was largely misleading) in preparation for some yet-unknown event.

"...we- uh, well, they're... they're allowed," the guide mumbled, fumbling for words, "to, you know... do that. Freedom of assembly and... stuff. Yeah."

"I know, but if they're there, then who's watching the city?"

* * *

Four hundred and ten yards above them and several hundred yards to the west a large squadron of makeshift robots cobbled together from bits of scrap flew overhead from Perez Park, carrying with them other, larger robots and one particularly gargantuan mass of metal, twin gouts of smoke issuing forth from smokestacks on its back. They slowly advanced east towards Atlas Plaza before a particularly keen-sighted automaton spotted the mob and emitted a series of buzzes, prompting the entire group to take a sharp left turn and quickly descend towards some shops.

While they were robots, they weren't above having a sense of self-preservation.

* * *

A fist encased in solid stone slammed into the Skull's jaw, sending him tumbling head-over-heels into a pile of garbage. "I take it that being told to beat up on random people is par for the course," CEO said.

"Don't think of it as-" Attorney of LAW quickly ducked under a mass of dark energy hurled at her by one of the thugs, returning fire with a burst of buckshot from her rifle. "...don't think of it as being ordered around, sir," she continued, "think of it as gaining the trust of the people."

"Don't we have a PR department for this?"

"Well, this city has been having problems with Crey Industries for several years. I feel that actively showing that you're concerned about the citizens as a whole would be good for the company's image."

CEO swung his arm outward as an enormous mallet of jagged stone formed in his hands, catching another Skull in the back and smashing him up against the wall before it crumbled into dust. "Of course I'm concerned for them; I run their planet."

LAW brought the butt of her rifle down into the side of another thug's head before swinging it around and firing a beanbag round point-blank into his temple, sending him to the ground writing in pain. "When you're not threatening to fire them and outsource their jobs to Mars, of course."

One of the Skulls managed to climb to the roof of a nearby building with the intent of leaping down towards the CEO and sinking his knife into his back. As he plunged towards the executive the plan was promptly ruined as the blade snapped in two the moment it made contact. Reaching behind him, the CEO lifted him up and hurled him into two of his approaching friends. "Besides, what other options do they have?"

"Well, there's been some noteworthy advances in trans-dimensional technology and exploration..."

The remaining Skulls scattered, scared and disorganized, hurling various insults and taunts as they left. CEO dusted off his hands. "Well, that's..." He trailed off, tilting his head as if to hear a distant sound. "...what is that, anyway?"

Over the top of a nearby warehouse came a swarm of Clockwork, a clanking and buzzing swarm of hostile machinery that was rapidly approaching CEO and LAW's position, with several of their larger earthbound brethren coming around either side of the building.

"Holy Jesus, what the hell are those goddamn things?"

* * *

Somewhere in Pocket D, a Peacebringer by the name of Ra'ul'Duk sneezed before popping another amyl.

* * *

"Sir, get down!" LAW shouted as she stepped in front of the CEO, bringing her rifle to bear and unloading several bursts of fire towards the oncoming Clockwork. The bullets tore through the oncoming mass, stripping bits of scrap metal off their forms and sending several spiraling towards earth, the remaining forces scattering in midair.

One of the Clockwork, damaged but not destroyed, wobbled in flight for a second before careening downward towards the CEO, who made no effort to dodge it and simply stood there as it slammed into his chest with a loud "crunch," breaking apart and falling to the ground. Utterly nonplussed, he brushed the front of his suit off. "I think I can manage, but I appreciate the concern."

* * *

Austin Stevens, now less a Luddite and more a Mecha-Luddite, wandered the streets of The Promenade in a daze. The aforementioned daze was due in no small part to his near-death experience at the hands of a truck full of looms, and the drugs from the operation certainly weren't making things any easier. Regardless of the reasons, he found himself traipsing along with an odd, vague sense of self-loathing in the back of his mind. He scratched his head, oblivious to the fact that his arm was now a framework of carbon steel and titanium, trying desperately to recall what he set out to do.

While waiting at the corner for the "Don't Walk" sign to change a loud ticking noise coming from above caught his attention, and he turning his eyes - or rather, eye and targeting camera - skyward he spotted several small humanoid machines suspended in midair by whirling blades coming out of their heads.

There was something oddly familiar about the parts that composed the machines...

Something... enraging.

"Looms..." he growled, drawing his sword and charging after the Clockwork. "LOOOOOOOOOMS!!!"

* * *

Some distance away in a back alley was Dr. Science, leaning up against the wall of the building pondering his next move as a cluster of a dozen mind-controlled Hellions Riverdanced several feet away. He was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of automatic weapon fire and turned to look down the alley just as a mustachioed cyborg in a tank top waving a sword above his head ran past screaming something about looms. His curiosity piqued, he edged towards the street and leaned out to see the cause of the ruckus.

Said ruckus in question was caused by Clockwork. A lot of Clockwork, to be precise.

"Oh, shit," he mumbled. Turning back towards the dancing miscreants, he pointed towards the corner and shouted, "hey, go on a stupidly suicidal attack against a horde of angry robots!"

"Yes sir!" the Hellions shouted in unison, drawing their weapons and running around the corner.

"Okay," he said to himself, grinning, "that's never going to get old."

* * *

The job was a bust. I had arrived just in time to see the leader screaming like a drunkard at his associates, claiming he didn't need their help and that they were just dragging him down before charging into the building. They didn't seem to mind, but rather took some bitter joy in seeing the man get his just desserts. All I knew is that it was another missed ticket out of here. That's how it is in this line of work: The only thing keeping you going is the promise of another payday and the hopes of hitting it big.

Later that day I found myself on the streets of Atlas City, going through a pack of Red Apple smokes as I checked in with some of my eyes on the street. Word had it that some two-bit joker by the name of the Clockwork King was putting together a small army of his wind-up toys and looking to set them loose somewhere in the city. Which could explain why the large, angry-looking mook in the suit and the leggy dame with the peashooter were fighting them.

* * *

The low rumbling of a explosion echoed across the city and moments later a red blur flew into view, slamming into the side of one of the man-sized Clockwork in front of the CEO with enough force to send it skidding backwards across the road, its feet tearing twin swaths in the pavement before both forms crashed into a storefront. Seconds later a man in high-tech red armor jumped out of the wreckage and began running back in the direction from whence he came before stopping and doing a double-take at the two corporate figures fighting the Clockwork. He turned and looked into the distance, then at the CEO and LAW, then back into the distance and back at the CEO and LAW before shrugging, charging one of the machines and knocking its head clean off with a roundhouse kick before landing next to Attorney of LAW. "Hey."

"Hey yourself," LAW replied, firing at the robots circling overhead before quickly rolling out of the way, a bolt of electricity coming down to scorch the pavement where she once stood.

"I think my teammates got caught in that last explosion. Can I hang out with you guys?"

"By all means, knock yourself ou- behind you!"

Broker whirled around to face the approaching mech just as it stumbled backward and collapsed under a barrage of small arms fire. Turning towards the source of the gunfire, he spotted a man in a lab coat and helmet flanked by a gang of Hellions. "For crying out loud, man, don't you have ANY sense of self-preservation?"

With the appearance of the gang the attention of several of the Clockwork were drawn towards it and, by extension, their leader. The air was filled with the cracking of static as they raised their arms in unison before firing several bolts of electricity down towards Dr. Science. He turned and raised his arms to ward off the blow, only to have the bolts slam into a rippling translucent grey field, dissipating harmlessly. Blinking in confusion, he glanced about to find the source of the force field, only to spot a monochromatic man in a suit coat and fedora smoking a cigarette.

"Speak for yourself, kid," Time Capsule intoned, taking a drag off of his cigarette before flicking it away. He swung his arm upward and a thick, smoky cloud of concentrated film noir materialized around the swarm, quickly corroding their metallic bodies and causing several to break apart in midair and clatter to the ground. Those that managed to emerge from the cloud while still airworthy found themselves face-to-face with an angry, airborne anti-technologist.

"LOOOOOOOOOMS!!!" The Mecha-Luddite plummeted out of the sky, cleaving one of the machines in half as he reached out and grabbed another by the arm. The mech let out a shrill squeaking noise as it struggled to stay in the air, its comrades flying about in confusion as the hanger-on swung his sword at them, hacking them apart as they passed before ramming his blade into his ersatz transportation, bringing an abrupt halt to its squeaking. He landed in a crouch on the pavement below, the remains of the Clockwork still in his grasp.

Confused by the sudden appearance of enemy reinforcements, the remaining Clockwork turned and scattered into nearby back alleys and sewer grates. CEO dusted his hands off as he and LAW turned to face the other heroes. "Well, that was interesting. So who the hell are-"

He would have finished that question had he not been interrupted by the sound of several tons of metal smashing through a foot-thick stone wall behind him. The heroes whirled to face the din in unison to see an absolutely massive Clockwork robot slowly stomping out of the side of a nearby garage. The behemoth stood twenty feet tall, the patchwork of metal that composed its body covered in bits of rust and grime. It slowly clenched and unclenched its hands - thick, heavy mitts that could easily squeeze the life out of a man - as it peered down at them with glowing blue eyes, wisps of static trailing out of its sockets. It let out a low, loud grinding sound that slowly mutated into a heavy, raspy voice. "DESTROY... HEROES."

"...do you think it means us?" Broker asked.

Dr. Science facepalmed.

"What the hell is this?" With the raspy sound of metal grinding against metal, the goliath turned his head to face the CEO, who was looking over his shoulder at the other heroes while pointing at it. "My watch is more complicated than this hunk of crap."

The goliath narrowed its eyes - or eye analogues - and raised its arm in preparation for a vicious backhand as CEO quickly turned back and reflexively crossed his arms in front of him to intercept it, thick bulwarks of stone forming around his arms moments before impact. The blow landed with a loud crack and sent the executive skidding backwards along the pavement, coming to rest beside the other heroes. He lowered his arms as the stone fell to the ground in heavy chunks. "...right. You two," he said, pointing to Powered Broker and Mecha-Luddite, "go stab and kick that thing until it-"

"LOOOOOOOOMS!!!"

"Wheeeeeeee!!!"

"...well, they didn't take much convincing."

Powered Broker was the first to reach the Clockwork, receiving an open-palmed slap from it that sent him crashing into the side of a building for his efforts. Capitalizing on the distraction provided by his erstwhile ally the the Mecha-Luddite quickly scaled the side of the Clockwork, clutching onto a protruding bit of metal on its shoulder and hacking away at its head, screaming incomprehensibly about technology and looms all the while. While his blade did have some effect, the damage it dealt was minor and only served to anger the behemoth. It raised its arm again, preparing to crush the vigilante clinging to its side...

...only to stagger slightly as something hard and heavy slammed into the side of its knee. Looking down, it spotted CEO standing by its foot holding a heavy stone mallet. "That got your attention." He swung again, shaking the Luddite loose and causing the Clockwork's leg to buckle, dropping it to one knee. "NOW!"

Attorney of LAW, the Hellions under Dr. Science's control and Time Capsule all opened fire with a full-auto spray of 4.7mm caseless ammo, small-caliber bullets and blasts of cinematic darkness as a grumbling Mecha-Luddite retreated from the giant Clockwork. There was a staccato "plink-plink-plink"ing as dozens of bullets bounced off of its body, trailing black smoke as they pierced the noir mire. It stood up as the onslaught slowed and abated, the full sum of the attack doing little more than denting its armor plating. CEO jumped away as it took another step forward, its joints grinding and creaking.

"Okay, Plan B... meatshields go!" At Dr. Science's behest the thugs dropped their pistols and brandished knives, bats and other melee weapons, charging the Clockwork in what was less self-sacrifice on their part and more self-preservation on Dr. Science's part. Looking down at the horde, the goliath raised both its arms above its head. The air was filled with the sound of crackling electricity as bolts began arcing between its limbs, its fists glowing white with energy as it slammed them both down in front of it. The street was rent asunder from the impact as a shockwave of high-voltage energy flew outward, engulfing the Hellions and hurling them backwards, jerking and twitching as the electricity played havoc with their nervous systems. "...damn. Took me all day to get those guys together."

"Anyone see if we're doing anything to this tin can?" Capsule asked.

CEO narrowed his eyes at it. "No, we're not. Where the hell are the guys who're supposed to be fighting these things?"

* * *

Positron waved his hand dismissively. "Pfft, that thing's grey to me."

* * *

"I have an idea!"

LAW looked to her side and did a double-take upon seeing Broker. "Weren't you thrown into a stone wall?"

"I got better."

"I noticed. So what's your idea?"

"Watch this!" He sprinted towards the Clockwork, letting out a long, ear-piercing laugh as he weaved around and through its legs. The goliath took several swings at him, each of them barely missing as Broker underwent a series of rapid turns and rolls, each whiffed attack only serving to anger the machine further.

Dr. Science leaned in towards CEO and asked, "are we really going to trust some guy that ends up hospitalizing his teams?"

"What would happen if we lost?"

"...point taken."

"DESTROY!" the robot bellowed. Now angered beyond what little reason it had, it raised one foot and brought it smashing down onto the road, causing the section of street it was standing on to collapse down into a sinkhole.

Broker managed to evade the stomp, albeit barely; the impact sent several chunks of stone jutting into the air, one of which smashed into his arm, snapping it in twain and sending him skidding along the sidewalk. He stood up, looked down at his arm (now bent at an extremely odd angle), casually popped it back into place with a sickening crack and hopped atop a nearby Pinto. He waved at his attacker. "Hi."

The Clockwork's fist began sparking with electricity as it let out a grating roar and charged out of the hole before bringing it down onto Broker's position, the hero diving to the side just as three hundred pounds of metal impacted with the roof of the car. Being a Pinto it promptly exploded, shattering the metalwork that connected the goliath's hand to his wrist and tossing Broker down the road. Reacting quickly, Time Capsule whipped an arm out, causing the cyborg capitalist to be engulfed in a glowing blue sphere that bounced down the road before caroming off a street lamp and rebounding back towards the rest of the group. "Explosions!" he exclaimed, rolling to a stop.

"Is that your solution to every problem?" the Luddite inquired.

"Yes. Wait... no."

"It better not be," Time Capsule said, "I'm not about to save you every time you try to solve something."

CEO turned to Dr. Science. "Hey, you're supposed to be some sort of scientist."

"So?"

"So come up with a plan. How do we make this thing go boom?"

He cupped his chin. "Well, if we had a truck of fertilizer and an open sewer line, the nitrate could be used to..." He began mumbling to himself, lost in thought for a few seconds before looking up and staring off into the distance before pointing. "...wait, how about that?"

There, about a hundred yards behind the Clockwork, was a gas station. "Now all we need to do is figure out how to get this mechanical mook over there," Time Capsule stated.

CEO shrugged. "I'll handle that. We've broken enough stuff already; a little more won't hurt. First, I'll need a distraction." He snapped his fingers as he turned and ran off. "LAW, hit it."

"Understood, sir." She braced herself as a thick, heavy tube slid forward from the end of her rifle. "Fire in the hole!" The first grenade whistled through the air, clipping its side and causing it to stumble back a step as it turned away slightly. The second and third caught it square in the chest, taking off one of the slabs of metal covering its chest and several "ribs."

"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOMS!!!" A propane tank, hurled by Mecha-Luddite, bounced off the Clockwork's forehead before dropping back down and rupturing point-blank in its face, blowing off its jaw and snuffing the electrical sparks emanating from its eyes.

Dr. Science glared at him. "Where the hell were you?"

"Saw a Radio Shack," he growled.

"CLEAR OUT!" The five heroes made way for the CEO of Earth as he came barreling in gripping a stone pedestal about two feet across and twelve feet long, the top adorned with a statue of one of the city's heroes. Time seemed to slow down as he swung the statue at the Clockwork, and as it hit home a deafening CRUNCH echoed off the skyscrapers as the machine's chest crumbled like tinfoil from the strike. The impact shattered the monument into countless pieces and sent the mechanized behemoth sailing backwards, tumbling along the road with a series of clanks and crashes, bits of metal bouncing off it and scattering across the street until it slammed straight into the gasoline pumps. The resulting explosion was, to say the least, remarkably massive and extremely gratifying.

The sextet of heroes stood there in awed silence, watching the plume of smoke rise up into the sky in silence for a minute before CEO spoke.

"Who the hell was this, anyway?" He peered down at the name etched into the statue base before grunting and tossing it away. "Eh, The Dark Watcher wasn't so great."

"At the very least no one was hurt," LAW stated.

"Except for that gang of Hellions," Dr. Science interjected, "though that was all my doing, and ultimately it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the good of us all."

Mecha-Luddite crossed his arms. "...I hate looms."

Powered Broker blinked and turned to look at the other five heroes. "Oh, hey," he exclaimed, clearly impressed, "you guys're still okay! Wow, that's never happened before!"

"Well," Dr. Science began, "we've caused more property destruction in 15 minutes than most villain groups cause in a day, alienating a good portion of the other heroes and generally made a huge mess of things. So what now?"

LAW shook her head and looked up at the CEO. "Joining a vigilante group is completely out of the question at this point, sir. We'd be a PR nightmare."

"So we start our own." The other five heroes turned their heads towards the CEO with varying expressions of shock and confusion.

"Just us six?" LAW asked.

"Why the hell not? Besides, in a city this size we're bound to find a couple more people in the same boat."

"...yeah, I'm in," Dr. Science said after a long pause. "Might as well."

"I'm in!" Powered Broker scratched the back of his head, or helmet as the case may be. "All the other groups I joined are kind of in the hospital, so..."

"Will there be more looms?"

"If by 'looms' you mean 'robots,' then yes," CEO replied.

"Then I shall join you," the Mecha-Luddite said, cracking his mechanical knuckles.

Time Capsule stuck his hands in his coat pockets and peered off into the distance as an unseen saxophonist began playing a slow, mournful tune. "Reputation's a funny thing. People try and hit the big time, but more often than they end up in the gutter, wondering where it all went wrong. You always think that it'll happen to some other schmoe, but-"

"Stop monologuing and give me an answer."

The music abruptly stopped. "Fine, okay, you yanked my leg."

He nodded and turned to his lawyer. "That's more like it. LAW, how about you?"

"Someone has to deal with the lawsuits," she replied, smirking. "So what are you planning on calling the group?"

"Haven't gotten that far yet. Any suggestions?"

"The Horde of Directors?" LAW proposed.

"Double Secret Probation?" Dr. Science posited.

"The Company Picnic?" Mecha-Luddite nominated.

"The Hostile Takeovers?" Time Capsule recommended.

"Smurfy Rainbow Puppy Club!"

"...what?"

Broker shrugged.

Their brainstorming session was interrupted by a pained cry and all six of them looked over their collective shoulders to find a hero clad in a two-tone mask and tights. Said hero was sifting frantically through a pile of rubble, eventually coming up with a bronze slab, now broken cleanly in half. "You... you broke the plaque..." he mumbled.

"It's only a piece of metal," Dr. Science said off-handedly.

"Only a piece of met-" He stood up, gaping at them all as if they were insane. "You FOOLS! Don't you realize the importance of these... these historical monuments? These tributes to greatness?"

"No."

"Nope."

"Not particularly."

"Don't really care."

"I've seen good men die because they couldn't let go of their pasts. Like scorned lovers, their-"

"Actually," CEO said, gesturing towards the broken base of the statue, "one of those historical monuments came in handy when you and your friends were off playing dress-up. Not very durable, though."

"You're all insane! You're comple- ...this is- ...I- y-you..." Tears started forming in his eyes. "You... YOU _JERKS!_ " He turned and flew off in a flash, sobbing loudly.

"There's nothing sadder than watching a grown man cry," Time Capsule said. After a moment's thought he added, "except maybe a grown man in tights."

"...jerks, eh?" CEO nodded, pleased. "Yeah, I guess we are..."


End file.
